Practical tips on how to take care of yourself after experiencing pregnancy loss

Allow yourself to grieve (with your partner)

Miscarriage is a sorrow and it is ok to be sad and grieve! There is often more than one thing to grieve which can make it overwhelming. Therefore, try to break it down and put it into words. What is it you feel, think and experience? By doing so you will give yourself the opportunity to finish grieving. If you have a partner, it is a joint loss. Take time to grieve together, share what you feel, be honest, cry, hold each other and above all listen.

Take time out!

Allow yourself time and space to sort out thoughts and feelings and recover both physically and mentally. It is important and totally ok! Only you know when you are ready to move on, so listen carefully to what your heart tells you.

It's OK to say no!

You don't have to be strong, bite the bullet, smile and pretend that everything is fine when you are around other people. That often just makes it even harder for you to deal with it. If you think that a certain social event, occasion or certain people will make you feel bad or sad it's perfectly ok to say no! If you still want to go, here are some tips on things to do that might make it a little bit more easy;

 •  Arrive late and leave early

 •  Prepare people that you don't want to talk about your situation

 •  Prepare and practice an answer if you get questions you can't bear to answer

Get a support team

Who could help you through this tough period? Specific friends, family members, your partner or a professional support who can be there to listen, cheer and support you when you need. Choose with your heart, dare to ask and be clear about what you need from them. It is great to set expectations so that the person can be as supportive as possible (eg "I will have to talk about this 100 times over", "I need to cry out" or "I need pep talks").

Prepare yourself

You will end up in situations where it becomes emotionally difficult. Prepare by:

 •  Deciding who you tell what to. For example some people get to know everything, some get to know only parts and some don't get to know at all

 •  Prepare what to say if questions or situations arise (so you don't get caught off guard and emotional if/when you don't want to)

 •  Prepare what to do if you end up in a situation or context you don't feel OK in (e.g. sneak away to the toilet and call one of your support people)

Mark what you lost

A miscarriage is not only a lost pregnancy but also the loss of a long-awaited version of the future. A loss of hope and dreams. To draw attention to it, a ceremony or ritual can be helpful. For example, you can plant a flower or tree, light a candle or write a letter to your child. Big or small action doesn't matter — as long as it feels right for you.

Disconnect from social media

Is it difficult to see children, pregnancies, etc. in your daily feed? Take a break! At the same time, think about what you could do with that time instead, what would do you good right now?

Become a self care queen

After a miscarriage, it's important to be kind to yourself. Really give yourself the time, care and love you need to heal. Think about what makes you feel good. Could it be a walk in the forest, a lovely massage, a long bath, binge-watching a lovely series on the sofa or meeting a good friend?

Let the emotions free

It is completely normal to feel angry, disappointed, sad and despairing over the loss of your pregnancy and the unborn child. And it is completely normal to be jealous, tired and angry with friends and people around who are pregnant and have children. So don't punish yourself. You are not a bad person for feeling that way. On the contrary, it makes you human. If you can accept that these feelings are here, allow yourself to feel what you actually feel and release what needs to come out, it will be easier to move forward. You won't feel like this forever! If it feels too tough to cope on your own, there is help from coaches, psychologists, therapists and communities.

Go away

Is there a big holiday coming up that feels hard to get through right now? Why not skip it this year? Go away with your partner or a friend and do something completely different from what you have already envisioned.

Contact your clinic

If you are in treatment or have previously sought help for repeated miscarriages, contact your doctor to talk about what happened. Is it possible to find a cause? Is there anything to investigate further or change to avoid more miscarriages?

Look ahead

What do you want to do now? Everyone is faced with that question eventually. If you allow yourself to listen to your heart and gut feeling, what does it tell you? Let it take time if you are unsure. Do you want to try again right away, do you need to rest and heal, do you need a consultation to know what the next step is or could it be that you actually don't want to do this anymore? When you know what you feel most strongly about, you can make a plan and land in your next step.